DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

SON-OF-A-BIRCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BIRCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Edited October 24, 20187 yr by Gene Howe

Gene,

Can I add to your definitions? 

10 minutes ago, Larry Buskirk said:

Gene,

Can I add to your definitions? 

Of course. 

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

Also used to test the structural integrity of your ceiling beams to which it's attached.

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 

A.K.A. FLAMING HACKSAW: Especially when you're just trying to heat up that bolt just a little more to get it loose. 

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

Also quite handy at creating a bloody mess when it slips doing the above chores. 

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

Also capable of kickback raising your voice a few octaves, and dropping you to the ground while doing so. 

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Usually becomes a SON-OF-A-BIRCH TOOL when the second above occurs.

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand

Which leads to using the FLAMING HACKSAW. 

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

Also handy for destroying the part you're trying to save made from the rare element  Unobtanium to change a $.02 part.

1 hour ago, Gene Howe said:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Used on all of the above after going through it all. 

Edited October 24, 20187 yr by Larry Buskirk

Arc welder... Tool to teach you the one step dance...