Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
Wire Wheel
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, chit!"
 
Skill Saw
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
Pliers
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 
Belt Sander
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the  more dismal your future becomes.
 
Vise-Grips
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 
Table Saw
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
 
Hydraulic Floor Jack
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
Band Saw
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
 
Two-Ton Engine Hoist
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
 
Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
Straight Screwdriver
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
Pry Bar
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
Hose Cutter
A tool used to make hoses too short.
 
Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks.   See: Son-of-a-b*#^%! TOOL
 
Utility Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your  front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or  plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 
Son-of-a-b*#^%! Tool
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b*#^%!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. 

Excellent description of our equipment. 

 

A friend had sent that to me, and as I read it I saw that I'd used most of them with just about the same results at times.  A couple years ago I was helping a kid on the drill press, I was holding while he was drilling with a hole saw, something we'd done hundreds of times.  He wasn't doing anything wrong, slowly starting down towards the wood, and all the sudden as soon as it touched it spun that board and wacked me in both hands before I jump back.  I went into ER to get it checked and after x-rays they thought I'd broken something in one hand, but on the check up visit a week later they decided I didn't, but man did it ever hurt on both hands at the time.  That incident changed our procedures, from then on it was a wood clamp to prevent rotation, no more just a second person holding tight even though that way worked great for 10 years.

John Moody said:

Excellent description of our equipment. 

 

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But you fergot a few

CHISEL
Tool used for removing more wood than you need to.
This tool is constantly dull especially when being used on fine work.
Does have an Automatic sharpening feature and will become razor sharp with contact with skin.

HANDSAW

For cutting with or across woodgrain. Incapable of cutting a straight line. Also has automatic brake feature that will engage near last inch of board being cut and will slow down progress so cutting the last inch takes more time than it did to cut the rest of the board. Automatic brake will also engage at ANY given point the cut is too easy or saw is on the line.

POWER BELT/DISC SANDER

Used for shaping curves on boards. Also works well to trim fingernails and remove skin on knuckles while sanding small pieces.

SHEET METAL SNIPS (Also called Aviation snips)

Another tool that stays dull throughout it’s life. Made in 3 types, right, left and straight. Will cause cut sheetmetal to cut knuckles and are only good for cutting for first inch of cut and after that become useless regardless of direction. When bought in set of three Automatic Chameleon feature will always hide the one you want to use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH

Commonly called a knuckle buster it adjusts to various nut/bolt sizes and with the Automatic Disengage feature built in to all of them, will loosen the tightness and cause the wrench to free itself from the bolt/nut during tightening/loosening high torque situations which always causes your goal “knuckle bustingâ€

TAPE MEASURE

Confusing measuring device. Has the ability to move numbers from one part of itself to another.
Will never read the same twice. Hates to be stretched out and hook on end WILL throw itself off of whatever it’s hooked to after it reaches 5 ft or more.